Carey Erichson, the author of our joke books, has over 6,000 jokes in his collection so you can imagine the variety of jokes you will be getting.
Carey is one of the largest publishers of joke books on the internet
He also writes Non Fiction books
There are no dirty jokes or porno in our books, but some of the jokes are very very risque.
We guarantee you will be laughing your butt off.
All books below are paperbacks. For e-book versions click on the Amazon name in blue.
Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Connie, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!" "You're on!" said Evelyn, holding up a $10.00 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
"What happened"' asked Evelyn
"I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"
Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile !
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"
A father told his 3 children when he sent them to college: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.
And so it happened, one became a doctor, one a lawyer, and one a financial planner, each very financially successful. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed, crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, came the financial planner, who also placed $1,000 in cash there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. She dipped into her purse, took out her checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, placed it into her father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
She is now running for President of the United States!
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,"You must be in the fourth grade!" He replied: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today!"
Regardless of your political affiliation, this is sad, but true.
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet.
In the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. To a different bar.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animals along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale??? A. A northern fairytale begins ....'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins .... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United States
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil."Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000.That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.
""Done!" replies the government official.And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus Plan worked.
Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
A Tennessee State trooper pulled a car over on I-24 about 2 miles east of the Alabama/Tennessee State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Chattanooga to do a show at the Shrine Circus & he didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling acts and if he would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the trooper he had sent his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got out 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good ol' boy from Alabama got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door & asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.........
The drunk replied, You might as well just take my ass on to jail,..... Cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection." said the nurse.
A retired man went into the JobCenter in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief; is that where the job is?"
"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."
Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends from heaven. "I am to give you your wings so you can fly to heaven. But if you think one dirty thought or act out one dirty act your wings will fall off."
So they fly to heaven without any trouble but when they get there the first guy sees a naked woman walk by so his wings fall off. When he bends over to pick them up the second guy's wings fall off.
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, camerunning through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary!"